Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me checking my bank balance online.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Pizza is an emotion right?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.