Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.