*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*