Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
😬
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”