“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
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Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.