Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Oh deer
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
The internet is full of many things
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Thoughts
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
They’re the worst 😩
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂