Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Jurassic park gets weird
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Oh thanks BBC.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning