I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard