*struts into the new year
~ trips
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.