Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
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NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe