Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
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Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
blocked.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird