bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
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[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.