*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
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Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.