*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
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We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.