You make me want to be a better home and garden.
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last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.