me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
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I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up