if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Seas the day!!!!
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
*launders Kohls cash*
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.