Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
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If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Expect the unexporcupine.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.