I cannot stop laughing at this
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now