I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My favorite female superhero
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
yeah not falling for this one
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.