Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Hey I worked for it too!
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
english majors be like furthermore
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.