before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Taliband