Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
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[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Oh thanks BBC.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days