Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.