Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
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“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
new record!
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.