I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Google assistant rules
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Can’t, holding a grudge
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate