[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.