Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
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Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.