THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.