An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
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Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.