People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Expect the unexporcupine.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Best spot.. 😅
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.