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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side