Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
yes… yes…
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.