*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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I just tested negative for patience.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.