*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.