Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius