If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me