My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive