I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
that lip filler tho
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I know
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Google assistant rules
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon