her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Spider-cat: No One Home
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food