This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
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*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.