[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
who did the taste test?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.