ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
What if all the cashiers are married?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
life finds a way
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance