If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
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Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Me sliding into hell like
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?