Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
*watches the world burn*
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?