Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
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Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
The prophecy is fulfilled
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.