*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?