When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
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[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.