What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95