[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
BRAKING NEWS!!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The game has officially changed 😎
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive